Passion Or The Lack of It

Caffeine has finally settled in. my nerves have gone haywire. I just dropped everything I had, one after the other, like a comedic moment, like a comic relief. First my cell phone, then my umbrella, and finally my book. All the while making a ruckus in the quiet café I was sitting in.

My heart is now pumping fast. I feel a rush! Although what I’m feeling is just a fake one, a caffeine rush, this must be similar to how it feels when you do something passionate for. Hmmm? When will I feel that? When will I feel passion for something? Sure, I feel strongly for my loved ones, but sometimes I wonder what it feels like to be driven by a force so strong, it would be impossible to ignore it. I want to feel what Michael Jordan must have felt for basketball, or Tiger Woods for golf.

My job barely induces any emotion from me. I don’t have that many interests or advocacies. I wanted to support cancer groups a few years back (in memory of my mom)  but I realized I still felt resentment towards cancer survivors. (boy, I thought I was over that) I’m into blogging and digital scrapbooking, but what I feel does not really reach the passionate level.

Hmmmm. Maybe that’s why my life has no direction. There is just no drive to do something and to strive to be good at it. I am just not moved by anything so strongly, that I would feel that life would not be complete if I were not doing it.

What am I good at? I am a nerd. I love books and yet I have piles and piles of unread books at home. I can barely remember the previous books that I did read. I’m a failure to all nerds in the world.

I got good grades when I was in school. I was a consistent dean’s lister in college, I graduated top 7 of my whole college batch. Yet I didn’t like accounting enough for me to pass the CPA board exam. I was good in both Math and English. Science too. That’s why as a child, I wasn’t really sure which path to take. I didn’t know what I wanted to be. What I was sure of is what I didn’t want to be. No medical courses for me. (the sight of blood or someone in pain makes me hyperventilate) nothing that involves public speaking or dealing with people either. (I was extremely shy, still am). I don’t want to sound ungrateful to my parents for having paid for my college education but I just hated accounting. I mentioned this once to my mom, and she looked really hurt. (she was the one who said I should take up accounting) I never mentioned it again, at least never out loud. But my heart knew the truth. Yet, here I am, working for 11 years in a bank, an officer of the accounting department no less.

Sometimes I feel bad, for not having the passion for accounting. I’ve seen colleagues who simply live and breathe accounting. My father is so proud of his accounting training, he attributes his money know-how to this. I, on the other hand, with no budget sense at all, up to my eyeballs with debt, and with 2 failed CPA board exams under my belt.

So I hate accounting, that much I am sure of now. What do I want? The answer to that one I’m not so sure.

I like to write. I wanted to take a writing course, still do. But I’m afraid that they will focus on creative writing, I’m more of an essay kinda girl. I’m afraid that creative writing entails a vivid imagination, mine has long since died, the right side of my brain has long since atrophied. I love reading stories, but I’ve never written a short story in my life. Maybe, I just never tried.

I like English. There was a time when I felt I was facing a fork in the road. I wanted to drop (escape) everything that has to do with accounting, and try teaching. I’ve been told time and again that it is never too late for a career change. As in I was seriously going back to school to earn a degree in education (actually that option is still on the table, being considered, not as seriously though) But then it dawned on me, I may not have the patience for teaching. I’ve heard it often referred to as a vocation. I may not be so noble. Or maybe I’m just afraid to waste years of my life with yet another mistake.

Often I regret that life is just passing me by. I’m not getting any younger. So what do I want? What do I want to do with such burning fervor? When will I get the guts? What makes my blood race and my heart skip  a beat? When will I ever discern what I want to do with my life? When will I finally get to feel that celebrated PASSION?